7 Ways to Avoid People on the Subway

  1. Read a book. Avoid titles like “How to Make Friends in Strange Places” or “I’m in Need of a Good Chat.” These might send off the wrong message to your fellow commuters. Instead, focus on titles like “Making Appetizers from Acquaintances” and “Ritual Sacrifice for Dummies.”
  2. Wear a large pair of reflective sunglasses. Cover enough of your face that even your boss wouldn’t recognize you. Wear them night and day regardless of weather and lighting. Remember, the people you’re trying to avoid most on the subway are the people you know.
  3. Dress like a nine year old girl and stare cheerfully at those around you. Maintain eye contact with everyone that happens to look your way. Occasionally hum a simple tune and ask anyone nearby if they would like to play.
  4. Call your mother on your commute. Make sure the conversation is as loud and uncomfortably intimate as possible. Ask her to describe her recent mole removal on speakerphone. Be liberal with your exclamations of horrified fascination.
  5. Try to look intimidating. Hunch over and take up as much space as possible. Grunt every now and then. Mumble something about being watched before clutching your things closer to you. Avoid any men on the subway wearing suits. Glare at them distrustfully from a distance.
  6. Mark your territory. There are several ways to do this. You could use salt to cast a protective circle around your seat, being sure to thank the transportation spirits for their assistance. Or, you could go with the classic choice and urinate around your area. If shy, feel free to bring a pre-filled bottle for all territorial needs.
  7. Splice your DNA with that of a butterfly and begin to emit an anti-pheromone that repels the opposite sex after copulation. Grow a great pair of wings; masturbate every morning.
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